I haven’t been posting much lately – haven’t felt the urge. I have felt relaxed, productive, aware and nostalgic lately – in a healthy way – but also hopeful and excited for the future. I feel my questions are being answered, although my purpose dangles undefined, and yet I am in a state of peace and inspiration. I know that everything will unravel as it is meant to. I feel I have grown so much in the past two and a half years and everyday I can feel myself growing more. What a journey it has been, for me personally, and with my partner, Gareth. I still can’t believe we are getting married! It is surreal to say the least. Our roommate, Krissy, will be moving out at the end of December. Gareth and I will now be completely on our own. We are looking forward to it, though we know it won’t be easy. But we are definitely cherishing these times. We have started watching the Dave Ramsey DVD’s and we are excited to start following his steps to stay out of debt and learn how to go about saving/spending money the right way together.
We found the most perfect tree to get married under. Can’t wait til everyone can see it. I know that day will be the absolute best day of my life. It’s so hard to imagine what it will be like, and wonder how everything I’ve dreamed of will come together, and just what I will be feeling on that day. I can’t wait. It gives me butterflies. Gareth and I just celebrated our two year anniversary. We first met on 11-7-09. Started dating on 11-13-09. The minute he saw me, little did I know (though I did suspect), our journey had begun. It has been a crazy ride so far. Two years seems both short and long. Short, because we still have our whole lives ahead of us. Long, because we have come SO FAR as a couple, a team, and a force or united energy. We have learned so much about each other, ourselves and love. We saved each other. Or rather, God saved us and answered so many questions and prayers by carefully placing us together. It is in these moments of reflection that I realize and believe that yes, we do have control over our destiny through choice and free will, but God also has a will and if we listen to him and believe that he has a hand in guiding us, great things can happen. The only proof I need that God exists is this feeling I have inside of me, that we all have inside of us – love.
With love and light comes evil and darkness – the theme of my favorite TV show, Dexter, this season. All we can do in this life is strive for light, fight darkness, and spread light to others in whatever way we can, and we must always be accepting and forgiving of others. It is not easy, but it is possible with the strength that God taught us through Jesus Christ. There was a time in my life when I doubted God and felt completely hopeless. But he does work in mysterious ways, and he never gives up on us. Ever.
Working with the MAE Poetry Series this fall has really inspired me to start writing poetry again. It was my only passion and I lost it for a short while. I realize that I had a psychological block (that I’m still getting over) when one of my professors taunted me every day, made me miserable and made me despise going to poetry class. I felt all alone and misunderstood. I felt betrayed, sad, bitter, and like everything I had been reaching for had suddenly disappeared right before my eyes. There was nothing I could do right, every poem sucked, every paper sucked, every comment I made sucked and was deemed unsubstantial. I had taken numerous steps backward from the place I was before. I tried to sit there in silence, yet somehow I was still humiliated. I read a poem out loud to the class to be work-shopped – a very personal poem that was hard to write, let alone speak out loud, and I was made to tell the entire class exactly what my poem was about, and then yelled at because it wasn’t good. I am not trying to say I am just a victim, but at that time in my life I was very weak, easy to pick on and easy to prey on. I quickly lost all love for poetry, and yes, I do blame it on one person. I can’t help that. I have forgiven this person though, as hard as it has been for me, and I am so thankful to be inspired by these wonderful poets/people who I have had the opportunity to converse with and hear personal advice from. This position fell into my lap, and I know it was for a reason. After each reading, I feel inspired to start writing poetry again and I recognize the void within myself that only poetry can fill.
I am thankful for so many things, and I feel SO BLESSED each and every day.