This is stemming from a video that was passed along to me, which you can see at the end of this post. Lately I have been thinking about what to write about in my blogs. Nothing has been coming to me, so I have not been writing. I can say it is because I am so busy with other things, but that’s not the real reason. The reason is that I feel no major conflict in my life, no idea that I am fixated on, nothing insightful within my mind to share with the world. Does my blog need to be insightful, helpful, or interesting? I would like it to be, but I know that just not always going to happen, if ever.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel I have nothing to really offer, and I rationalize that by telling myself my life – myself – is perfect. I don’t mean that I am perfect. I mean that the way in which I think of myself is in the best version of myself – who I want to be – that I am happy, and that I have never been happier. There is truth to this in so many ways. I am the happiest I have ever been. But to say that is so general. And I ask myself why I think this, why I am happy. I think it is because I am so comfortable.
In this video, she says we have many ideas of who we are, different versions of ourselves, and we try to be the best idea of the best version of that. She says, “We are too many things to just be the best ideas we have of ourselves.” This brings me to improvement, and that some people think of this life as a constant improvement track. That we should always be striving to be our better or best self, that we should constantly be improving ourselves, and that is how we grow. I hold onto this theory, and I do find truth in it. But I think the point of what she is saying is that in order to improve, to grow, we have to do things we hate. We have to be that horrible version of ourselves, or every version, and we have to use that to grow as well. We have to see ourselves and see others and realize that there are many parts to everyone, that the self you think you know or see really isn’t you at all… it really isn’t anybody. It is just an idea. To really see yourself or someone else takes fear and maybe even pain. To really love someone is the hardest thing in the world for this reason. Because you aren’t just loving a person, you are loving everything that makes up that person. You are loving the worst parts of them, not just the best.
I also like that she says, “Not everybody has to connect with you and you don’t have to connect with everyone all the time.” We are always searching for connections with people, something common, something real to bind us or hold us together. And even though we are all connected, we don’t have to feel that way. Even with the people who are closest to us. We may think it sucks to not feel a connection, or that there is something wrong, but there is nothing wrong and it is better to accept that than to be afraid that there is something wrong.
My favorite part of this entire video is this: “Fuck my rationalizations, they will catch up with me in time, and I’ll be ready for them. But for now I’ll express how I feel, and I’ll discover myself over and over again, and I’ll take responsibility for my scars.”
It is just so beautiful.
I hope this inspires you.
Watching this video has inspired me to become uncomfortable. She says, “Do things that you don’t think are ‘you’ and find yourself in it.” We are always searching for things we can do that are “us”, things we will enjoy and be good at or comfortable in. Or perhaps, we don’t search for anything new, and we stay and live in our comfort. This brings me to hooping. Not just because the girl who posted this video is an awesome hooper, but because hooping is something that is not in my comfort zone. It is something that I have tried, realized it’s going to be extremely difficult to learn, and put down. I want to find myself in hooping, in creating, in dancing, in doing something that isn’t really “me”, but can be “me”, if I want it to be. It doesn’t come naturally to me. Just like being aware of my body and space doesn’t come naturally to me. I want to explore that space and teach myself not only how to hoop, but how to let go, do something that isn’t comfortable, and grow within that.
As John Lennon said, there are only two driving forces: fear and love. I think that now I believe that it is okay to be driven by fear sometimes. Maybe not extremely healthy, but it is okay, because when we experience that fear, and we act on it, and it may seem like a setback, but it really isn’t. It is something beautiful because it is you.
When I ask myself what my biggest fear is, or what am I afraid of… my answer is always the same. I am mostly afraid of not being loved… of being alone. I always have been. I can’t stand the thought. In times when I was alone, unloved, I made horrible decisions and acted out in unhealthy, sometimes even dangerous ways. But I am glad I had those experiences. They have made me who I am in my entirety. And I hold onto them because they are important to me, they are important for me to understand myself and let others understand me.
Fear is something that is so necessary to our journey in this life, but love is what will save us. Love is what will carry us when we are afraid. And when we are able to love ourselves and others, despite fear, we are growing. When we learn that we can replace fear with love, we are growing. That is the improvement track that I want to be on. That is when I feel every part of myself come together.