Exploring my self.

The below paragraphs are something I started writing on 3/26/14. I’ve added things here and there – and finally deciding to post it.

moonchildIn so many ways, I feel like I’m 2 people, but I’m not. I am one person, wanting/needing/desiring/craving 2 different things at the same time. Often my mind feels so unclear, muddled – questioning and answering and overwhelming myself with all the possibilities. I wonder if it’s my hormones/my cycle to blame. I wonder if I am normal?

I don’t know if I believe it’s healthy to always self-evaluate, to get so wrapped up in self-improvement. But here I am – evaluating. I do love myself, I even like myself, sometimes I believe I am the only one who understands myself. (There’s always the distant reminder though that the self does not exist, that we don’t actually matter, that the life I live isn’t really happening or it’s all happening at once but in different ways every time, that we place too much value on the clock, that time is running out and we forget to live, that all that matters is losing the self.) And being a person that lives mostly in my head, I don’t know how productive it is, if at all. What seems to happen is I have all these thoughts, I act differently than what I’m thinking, and then this dialogue develops and it’s frustrating when I can’t just say what I mean/what I want without fear of sounding negative, or jealous, or bitchy, or stupid, or dumb, or mainly: fear of disappearing and not being valued or even heard at all.

When the extreme positive mood strikes me and I’m feeling happy to just be alive, if someone happens to deter my path, operate on a different wavelength, especially if it’s someone I am close to, I get annoyed. Probably because it’s something I worked so hard on becoming, on doing, and it’s hard for me stay on my own path without getting distracted. It’s hard for me to feel that I just coexist. And the more I try to find the path that will lead me to my ultimate happy self, and it works for awhile, something happens, I get knocked off kilter and I see myself treading further away from such a path, almost to the point of not believing it exists. I love to laugh. That deep laugh that makes you feel so free – it’s something I long for every day. But then sometimes it’s like there’s this thing inside me that prevents real/true/divine laughter, as if in that moment, I’m afraid of letting myself go, of letting myself experience true, pure joy. There are other times, though, when I have no choice in the matter. Joy just overcomes me and laughter (and usually tears as well) pour out of me – those are the moments we live for, right?!

I have found ways in which to help myself have shared experiences, bonds, joy and love. I have found people that do listen to me and care about me in a way that was lost from me for years. I absolutely love and cherish my tribe of people – my family and close friends. They are the ones who understand me and my emotional shifts. In that regard I do feel very thankful. I have molded my own ideas and am no longer afraid to live my life in a way that just makes sense in my mind. I have always had the sense that love is sacred, that we know love because we are loved first by God, but that our love is not perfect and can often come at a price because we are only human. I have held to the principle that we are all unique and different and beautiful and there is not one thing that makes one of us better than the other. We are all in this together, trying to figure it out. Pure love is what we have been given. It feels so amazing that it’s almost too much at times. Hate is what happens when people believe love must pay a price, when we allow the mind to surrender to anger and then begin to destruct because love is no longer the answer. There is NOTHING that holds all truth except NOTHING. The sweet-smelling meadows, the cool summer rain, the enchanted evergreen forest – yes, it would all exist whether or not you’re there to smell, see, touch, be in, experience it in any way.

As for my mind, me right now, I am happy. I can always be better, and I will continue to try. Life is a puzzle, I’m where I’m supposed to be, and while there are many pieces still to be found, the connecting ones I have found make life so sweet.

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Wakarusa 2015

waka1527 years ago, I attended my first Wakarusa. I’ve been back every year except one when we attended a good friend’s wedding instead. Each year we go, Mulberry Mountain becomes a little more like a home away from home. Returning to the mountain, you can feel the magic in the air and all the anticipation floating around as everyone awaits to find out what’s in store for them – what adventures lie ahead – what the music will have to offer – what memories will be made.

We arrived around 1 am to wait in line. Gareth and I started setting up camp around 3:45 on Thursday morning. In our tent, I closed my eyes as the sun was rising while most people around us had already started the party. The party literally never stops at Wakarusa.

Festivals are so special to me for many reasons, the obvious one being – you form a connection unlike any other with the friends you spend it with at shows or messing around at the campsite. As for me and Gareth – we have a chance to focus on one another and our love is so BIG, profound, and straightforward. Life can get in the way of that sometimes, and while we are very good about keeping our love alive and living for love, at a festival, it’s just the love that matters. You’re in a field with minimum essentials that you need to be comfortable, surrounded by thousands of people doing the same, dancing, laughing, being silly, being emotional, loud and kind and open. It’s a beautiful thing. In those moments, it feels like life is a gigantic, yummy orange and you’re sucking it dry and loading up on all the nutrients and juice it has to offer. It’s a shared experience, which makes it that much more revitalizing.

waka2015

Loved being around all our friends – you guys know who you are!! We all had so much fun together and I love how everyone came to visit and party at our campsite every day.🙂 I’ve never laughed so hard as I did this past weekend. I love all of you so much and really couldn’t ask for a better crew or group of friends to spend the festival with. I don’t think there is a better group, seriously we have the best! So many memories I will cherish forever both at the campsite and at the shows! I love that I made some new friends too🙂

Okay – so the music. Such wonderful music. Magic Beans and Dopapod the first day really set the tone for Gareth and me. It was awesome having that time to ourselves to really connect, dance and experience a new band together. We listened to Slightly Stoopid from our campsite. Umphrey’s was an intense headbanger that night, which of course we loved. We ended with Twiddle, which was very different and awesome. Second day – STS9 and Umphs were the beez kneez – the LED hoop came out and we danced for 4 hours straight. Third day – such a diverse day of music!! I started off the day by shopping at an awesome store called Sparklicious with my new friend Izabella. Then Megan, Courtney and I headed over to the hoop workshops and practiced with the St. Louis Hoop Club, then choreographed a hoop dance with Lee Jeffries. First band of the day was Rising Appalachia🙂 That was my first show to really hoop at (ever) it was so moving, enchanting, and really spoke to the soul. Same day following that, we saw Galactic (amazing), The Roots (probably favorite / best show all weekend), STS9, and Glass Animals (LOVE). The funniest dance party I’ve ever seen or been a part of was at STS9 in the Revival Tent. Everyone was seriously going crazy. Minkus and Knud were doing Tybo, Gareth may have lost his pants for a song or two…  I can’t really describe it. I don’t think I stopped smiling. Tribe killed it. Then we marched over to the Ferris wheel (our first time to ever ride it) and yeah… that was amazing. Major Lazer was playing.. it was so neat to see the whole festival and glow toys from up high. The night still seemed young so we decided to try out the Satellite stage for some Lindsay Lowend lol. The Satellite was on point this year with the huge lanterns in the trees and the trippy circus/trapeze artists in the trees above you. Gareth me and Tay stayed the whole time. There was an incident where a giant panda bear tried to take Gareth’s light saber off into the crowd, but we got it back! Interesting night, but we had so much fun. And we did get to watch another Waka sunrise. Sunday funday was also amazing – we saw Nahko and Medicine for the People, Particle, Portugal. The Man, Lotus, and Thievery Corporation!! Also had the best time hooping at Lotus and Thievery!

wakarusa wakatribe wakaumphs waka15

The entire weekend was filled with so much love and inside jokes and connecting moments that will live on in our minds and hearts forever. Cheers to a wonderful Wakarusa!

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Hands

my nails. i look down at them. i can’t keep them past the guardian lines that separate beauty from nervous cracks. embarrassed, i fidget, rip and chew, push the cuticles back into their beds. i berate myself because i want to stop but i can’t. and then, the songs never leave my head, even at night they keep me awake. i manage a thought. or rather, a thought manages itself. it drifts on by and i can see it like a music scroll and i wonder, is my mind made of mush? that’s all my mind can make time for now; the songs always fight their way back. daydreaming isn’t a thing to me now, and i think it use to define me. a shame, really. i must try it again, and soon. i try again to let a thought whisper though. the sun rises and sets again and again. i am here, same place, same frame of mind, same day. looking down at my hands i wonder how i am able to carry so much at one time? evolution, i say. we figured it out. we always do.

it’s a wonder how something can seem so right, and then.. not be right. how can we not choose love above everything else? why is that even a thing that we are capable of? let us all say this together now, are you ready? love is the only thing in this life worth fighting for. great, now comes the hard part. the fighting. is that selfish, i wonder? why is love worth saving? it’s always just been a truth that i’ve held above all other truths, but why is love always my answer? it feels so good when you are loved and you love someone else. it feels like there is purpose for us all and that just maybe the stars have aligned in your favor. it feels twisted and mangled but perfectly clear and sometimes you can’t quit laughing. there is always a way to tell how long someone has been living… fighting. you look at their hands. and my mom always told me never marry a man with soft hands. she said it means they don’t work hard. and it’s funny, i love my man’s hands almost as much as his eyes. you look in someone’s eyes and you can tell a whole lot more. you may see how much they have loved and lost. there’s a universe inside there and that’s the key to all our soul’s connectivity. it’s a portal, and i think we can actually become one being if we stare hard enough. well, i don’t think, i actually know this is possible because i have experienced it many times. sometimes in rare cases, you can share a consciousness with someone where all thoughts, if you can call them that at that point, are shared, understood… just happening and you’re both experiencing the same exact moment. it’s cool. almost life changing in a sense, just to be simultaneously aware that it is actually happening is something spectacular. we are so small. our bodies are tiny. but there is that notion that we are apart of something much bigger, and that’s what we feel when we feel love. that is why it’s worth fighting for. easier said than done. but i hope everyone gets the chance to. i’m glad i wrote this out because i decided to just start writing about my “hands” because i was staring at them thinking of what seemed to be nothing. but then, there it was.

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life&death meanings…

meadowvwI have nothing insightful to say. That’s usually the first thing that comes to my mind when I sit down to write. I put it off for so long and well, I’m going to let it go now.

Death seems like it would be a mystery to birth. But birth may understand death… and death may know birth even if the complete soul is brand new at the time of birth… the feeling of coming, leaving, returning, may be related. Perhaps this life is the link between worlds. Perhaps the only ones who do understand the mystery are the ones who choose to take their own life. Do they really do it because they are suffering and there is no choice but to end it? Or are some of them called to do it by an angel because their time on earth is simply over? Maybe they must serve a new purpose and they are aware of this rather than exiting due to old age or illness. Maybe they aren’t aware and the answer becomes clear only after it’s over. Maybe not. It has been haunting me for some time now. I have been fighting myself to understand, because if it hurts me so much, I only wonder how people feel who are affected by it first hand.

I keep thinking about Allen Ginsberg’s first line in Howl… “I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness” …and I can’t help but think of all the people I know. I feel like I’m constantly with this crowd he speaks of in Part 1. I am one of them. There is no food to my thought, yet I am in a state of constant wonderment, contemplation, asking myself why am I here. And I think of all the people around me that I know, and I just can’t help but feel lost.

After a friend of mine committed suicide, my whole world changed. When I say “friend”, I mean someone who touched my life in many ways and who I always considered a friend even if we hadn’t spoken in a couple years. I did think about her. No one understood our friendship because of the circumstances we became friends under. I didn’t know her. I hurt her. She forgave me and gave me a chance and we connected and clicked. She was a very special person as you can see.

I thought I understood death because my grandfather passed away from horrible cancer spread throughout his entire brain and body. When I say “understood” I don’t mean literally. Because trust me I still have thoughts such as why did he have to die NOW? Where was he going? Why did it have to be his time, he was too young. I still see my dad looking up to the sky as he slipped away, tears down his face, saying “Bye, Dad” with arms stretched out. I thought that was the worst of it and I had been there to witness. But I was wrong. I will never understand death until I myself experience it. And because I don’t understand death, I have found that I do not understand life. I’ve given advice before to live in the moment, follow your dreams, help others, love. That is the meaning. But WHY is that the meaning? Why do we reproduce and give life to more creatures to experience all this love… this pain… this world that we struggle so hard to keep spinning. What is the point? And why do some people not hold any reverence for human life? Why do people kill? Or rather, HOW can they?

So I started researching the ever so sought after answer to the question “what is the meaning of life?” and I found so many answers by famous philosophers. But the answer that stuck out to me most was that the minute we start pondering the mystery, asking why this, why that, we lose all meaning instantly. It disappears with the cold breeze and we stop living. We can never understand it. We must just simply live because we can, we must, we are here, we may or may not have chosen to be here, but regardless, here we are, connecting with people – at least I hope. I don’t think having a sense of direction is important, but I do think that helping others live and have a quality of life is important. I do think improvement of the self is important. I believe doing things for the greater good is important. I believe in soul mates because I believe in souls. But I have just come to terms with the fact there are things I will never understand, such as being in anyone else’s shoes but my own. I am here. I don’t know why. The weight of the world is fierce and THAT is why we must all help each other carry the load. So that it’s not all for nothing, that it’s not too much to bear. We can be free from fear and live in peace. Yes, we are that powerful.

I am happy that I married someone who I can ask these questions to and he understands why I’m asking them, and we can discuss. I am happy because he has already asked them so many times over that his answers and explanations make sense to me and ease my mind. Even if he doesn’t have the answer, I am comforted by his responses. I am happy that I can cry to him and speak about all my thoughts and sadness and he can hold me in his arms, and I know that even if I don’t understand the meaning of life completely, I have him. I view my life as a success because of him. I think I’ll stop there. I hope everyone finds something or someone that makes them care and love and feel true meaning.
Love, Morgen

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Goodbyes and Hellos

friendsLast week was bittersweet. I had to say “goodbye” again to one of my best friends. We all got used to her being back in Norman, but as the summer ends, and school begins, we had to tell her goodbye. She became the glue that brought and kept us together while she was here. You can’t help but love her – all she stands for – all her dreams – and how she makes them come true. She is inspiring to me because she simply does what she wants to do – she helps people in the process – she finds joy and makes friends – she is beautiful inside and out. Sure, I’ll see Mole {our nickname for her} a few more times this year and hopefully next year, but her journey is something I’ll mostly have to admire from a distance.

It’s amazing to me how you can go through ups and downs with a person, good times and bad fade into memories, and you realize it’s done nothing but bring you closer. It creates a bond that even when you’ve disagreed or unintentionally hurt one another, becomes stronger with time, maturity, acceptance, forgiveness and detachment. Lifelong friends are a choice. I don’t necessarily view my relationship with my best friends as attachment anymore. There was a time when I was attached to them.. attached to all past, present and future experiences with them. I had never experienced friendship with women that was so deep, profound, beautiful and unique. But recently, in the past year, I’ve learned that attachment can lead me to some dark places. Places I don’t want to go such as jealousy, sadness, entitlement, the need to be right, and worst of all, judgement. I will always love my friends – want to hang out with them, enjoy their company and our time together, cherish all the laughs and be there for them when they need me, and I know they’ll do the same. We all just “get” one another and can be ourselves 100%. But detachment – the sense of just letting go – has taught me how to be free and happy. It has made such a difference in my life and allows me to not be upset/let down/worried/etc.

[Detachment, also expressed as non-attachment, is a state in which a person overcomes his or her attachment to desire for things, people or concepts of the world and thus attains a heightened perspective. Attachment, that is the inability to practice or embrace detachment, is viewed as the main obstacle towards a serene and fulfilled life. Many other spiritual traditions identify the lack of detachment with the continuous worries and restlessness produced by desire and personal ambitions.]
 

Switching gears, Gareth also left for about 9 days for his trip to Colorado where he, his father and his brother ride dirt bikes all day and camp in their RV. He came back Saturday afternoon, and was filled with a certain happiness I haven’t seen in him for a long time. He was still on that Colorado high and had done some serious bonding with his family. I felt so affected by it and attracted to him at the same time. Our connection with each other is something I wouldn’t trade for the world. Life with Gareth is just better, and I know we are meant to be in it, together, til the end. I enjoyed my nights at home, watching old classic movies, and I wasn’t as lonely as I thought I’d be, but having him home makes me realize how much I missed him.

It does provide me with comfort and the amazing feeling that no matter who I say goodbye or hello to in this lifetime, Gareth will always be with me.

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summer nights – a poem

Groove summer nights
firefly twirl of circle of life
home smoke painted sky
iridescent childlike
moon reflects your golden eyes
and it hovers low to the ground
a spaceship to transcend
us past this
and through this
and behind this door
we giggle through stillness
watch plants breathe slowly
the colors of a different world
the life we chase
now and forever
while shadows train us
behind stale secrets
and loving you here is easy.
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Attached to Bed Moments

Lately, I’ve been so attached to my bed. It’s getting bad. Our bed is super comfy and the wonderful way the cold pillow touches my face puts me to sleep almost instantly – doesn’t matter the time of day. I’m late for everything because of my bed. It reminds me of when I first got my own apartment in college, and I would rarely leave my bedroom, let alone my bed. It’s where I ate, studied, wrote, watched TV, looked out the window, felt safe. I would fall asleep studying, wake up and study some more, go back to sleep, and so on. I love my quiet, alone time so much. Especially when it’s raining outside and the trees and grass get so vibrantly green. It’s the most cozy and fulfilling quiet moments that belong solely to me and my mind. Sometimes I feel like I could sleep for a week straight if I was allowed to. And then, just maybe, I wouldn’t be so attached to my bed, my sleep, my dreams, my refuge. Ahh, all this talk about my bed is making me want it so bad. But instead, I will force myself to go home, meditate with my hoop and spin it around, eat some dinner, buy some work clothes, and then finally… hit the sack.

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